Belly buttons and boo-boos

Its been an eventful few days around our house.  Thursday or Friday of last week (I can't remember which), Lorelai's belly button popped out.  I went to google (the mothers be all information source) and discovered that it was probably a herniated belly button and nothing to worry about, but my mother, father and grandmother all FREAKED out.  So to appease them I called the pediatricians office to speak with a nurse about it.  I explained what was going on and she wanted to check with Lorelai's pediatrician and call me back.  When she did return the call, she let me know that it was more than likely nothing to worry about but Dr. Hawse wanted to see to make sure everything was fine.  My mom went with us to the appointment where we learned that it was a herniated belly button and it should close on its own by the time she is two, nothing to worry about.  We changed her clothes and left the room to check out.  The pediatrician's office has a bench next to the check-out desk, and I sat the empty carseat and diaper bag up on it so my mom could start getting her ready to go.  I turned to hand my paper to the lady, and heard a thump and my baby crying.  The seat had flipped backward over the edge with my baby girl inside.  My heart sank to my toes.  Nurses came running as I grabbed her up to check her out.  There was blood on her lip, and she was wailing.  One of the nurses takes her from me, and I follow her back to the room we were in.  The doctor came back in to check her out and make sure everything was ok.  By this time a knot had swelled up on Lorelai's head and the doctor decided to send us for x-rays.  So we walked over to the hospital, with the baby screaming the whole time (I don't blame her, I'd be mad if someone dropped me off a bench too), where they did the xrays and sent us on our way.  I was afraid to let her go to sleep.  But the on call doctor called us about an hour and a half later to let me know that there was no fracture and just some mild tissue swelling.  She looks banged up, but she was smiling by the time I got her home.  It was a craptastic day and I have no desire to ever have another like it.

Dr's appointments

I'm sitting here in the Drs office waiting to have a mole removed from my back and a nasty growth thing removed from my leg. I made this appointment last week. I had to call Lorelai's pediatrician this morning because over the weekend her belly button popped out, and not like an outie, like gross looking. The pediatricians office let me know as I was getting ready to walk out the door for my appointment that the doctor wanted to see Lorelai and I should bring her in. She was with my grandmother, so my mom has to go pick her up, and bring her to me, and hopefully we have time to make it to her appointment. And on top of all that my dr told me to wear "old loose clothes" and I look like a hobo.

Routines vs. Bad habits

I'm lying in bed typing this on my phone, trying to get Lorelai to sleep. Part of our nightly routine is to snuggle up in my bed and for Lorelai to nurse until she falls asleep. We do formula for every feeding because my milk supply never came in good no matter what I did, but we have hung onto this nighttime nursing session. I love it because it is something only I can give her, and it helps me feel closer to her. It is one of my favorite parts of the day.

But I worry that the routine is going to lead to a bad habit. I do not want her sleeping in our bed all the time, but every night I let her fall asleep there.
She is still in our room at night, because I've not felt comfortable putting her in her crib (especially since I've not got around to getting a monitor)

It's just so easy to get her to sleep and then let her lay there until I'm ready for bed and move her.

I know I just need to suck it up and change the routine to another location so I don't have more trouble in the future, but it's just not gonna be the same :(

Super mom

I've realized that I have what is an unreasonable desire to be super mom. Lorelai was fussy last night and couldn't stay asleep, which meant I was up with her. At about 5:30 am I finally broke down and woke Brandon to have him tend to her so I could get some sleep. After he woke up and agreed, I felt so guilty, that I just laid there and listened, staying awake.
Then later this afternoon, my mother-in-law offered to keep her for awhile so Brandon and I could rest. Now I know that they enjoy keeping her, and they don't feel inconvenienced in any way, but letting someone else watch her even for a little while makes me feel like I am pawning my parenting responsibilities off on others. And I feel anxious until she is back in my care.
I knew that a baby meant sacrifices, but she has fit into out lives like she was always supposed to be here, and I've not had to give up much. I guess I'm trying to make things harder on myself for some reason.

Reflection: thoughts on a previously infertile life

Im not very good at keeping up with this and alot has happened since the last time I blogged. I got a job, got pregnant, had the baby and quit my job to stay home with her.
Lorelai Grace was born 7-7-11 weighing 5 lbs 11oz. She was about a month early but didn't have to go into nicu or anything. I am very blessed to have her and she is the answer to all my prayers for a child. She is well worth the almost 5 years of struggling through trying to conceive.
She is 2 months old and I still have trouble believing that she is mine. I wasn't supposed to be able to have her, and she is my little miracle.
It's very nice to now be able to see a pregnant woman, or a woman with children and not want to break down in tears, although I remember the feeling well: the desire, the emptiness, the jealously and the ache. Even if i could go back and tell myself that it would all be ok, just to have a little more patience, I don't think I would. Going through what I did made me who I am. It taught me lessons. It made me strong.
I survived a miscarriage. It taught me that a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby. So with my pregnancy with Loerlai I cherished each and every day. Every discomfort, milestone, and pound reminded me that my baby was growing and healthy and I was happy, because I knew just how easily it could all be taken away.
The waiting taught me patience. I appreciate the time with my daughter. She is already growing too fast and I don't want to miss any moment with her.
I prayed. A lot. I prayed when I wasn't even sure anyone was listening. I stopped after awhile because it hurt too much and I wasn't sure what I believed anymore or if I believed at all. I gave up. Once I found out I was pregnant, I began praying for the baby to be ok, even though I didn't think I had the right to pray. This all taught me to have faith. My prayers were heard and answered even though I had long given up waiting and stopped believing.

But through all that happened, I survived. I did it. I am a mother. I am mommy. I have my beautiful daughter here with me and my angel baby in heaven and with Brandon by my side I am filled with more love than I ever knew existed and I wouldn't change a thing.