Round 2

It's that time again!  The dreaded/anticipated "two week wait".  The longest two weeks ever, where every twinge is a possible pregnancy symptom, and more than likely imagined anyway :)  It is the stretch from ovulation to either menstruation or a positive pregnancy test, and it tends to make me a little psycho. It's when I realize how incredibly impatient I can be.

I got my positive ovulation test on Saturday, and my temp jumped up the next morning, So I'm feeling fairly certain that Saturday was the day.  I'm going to TRY not to obsess but  I doubt it will work :)

Cycle #2 updates

Our first cycle trying for baby #2 was a bust :( but we're moving forward and ready for the next one.  I just ordered 50 ovulation tests, and 20 pregnancy tests as a bundle, for an AWESOME deal.  Even buying the cheap tests from the dollar tree, that number of tests would have been about $70 before tax. On amazon, I only paid the low low price of 13.99, and they'll be here on Friday. 

The whole "trying" process tends to make me a bit nuts.  A few weeks of the fun part, which goes by super fast, quickly followed by two LONG weeks of waiting and obsessing. AND it seems like everywhere I turn someone else is pregnant.  I'm nowhere near the point where seeing pregnant women hurts my feelings (I've been there before, and let me tell ya', it SUCKS), but right now it's making me impatient.


I've been taking my metformin (PCOS makes me insulin resistant, which makes everything go all wonky) like I'm supposed to.  When we were trying for Lorelai, I only took it once per day (I was supposed to take it twice), but now I'm making sure I'm taking it all 3 times per day. I've been on it a month and my last cycle was WAY shorter than the last few, and I've lost like 5 pounds (hello awesome side effect). So for now I'm content with the fact that I'm doing everything I can and I'm just praying for the rest.

First cycle

Well, the first cycle trying to conceive is over.  I don't know why I got my hopes up for a positive result, but I did and now I'm super bummed :(

Yeah...I'm full blown obsessed

I had to work today, so I was up at 6am. Which is normally not the case. I felt sick as soon as I got out of bed. Not like I have a headache, I just don't feel good sick. Like I'm going to PUKE sick. I made myself keep going because I AM the substitute teacher, who am I gonna call? It finally happened and I felt better just as soon as I was finished (I remember when this happened before, her name is Lorelai). I'm a week out from my period, so logic tells me that this is NOT morning sickness. But that crazy part in my brain, that's been hiding for the last 2+ years said, "You're pregnant! Take a test!" And the sane logical part was like, "maybe you're right" and both parts are on the same side. It didn't help that Brandon, without my even saying anything, said yeah, you need to take a pregnancy test. It's a good thing that I didn't have one on hand, because my willpower isn't that strong and I KNOW its to early to test.

It doesn't help that all I've wanted to do for the last two days is sleep which is all I did during my first trimester with Lorelai.

I guess we'll know within the next week but the waiting is the hardest part.

Trying for baby #2

We've made the MONUMENTAL decision to try for baby #2. I'd been toying around with the idea of trying again since Lorelai's first birthday, but I think what sealed the deal was when I had to take a pregnancy test and was disappointed because it was negative.  I've spoken to my OB/GYN and we're good to go.

What I'm finding harder, even than the decision to expand our family, is not obsessing over it. I am not a person that just gets pregnant, we really struggled last time.  Month after month, doing everything we knew, and still not succeeding. This time around, I KNOW that we are able to conceive.  I don't have that thought hanging over my head of 'what if we never have kids?' it is possible because we've done it. But I have jumped into this journey and hit the ground running.  The  first month trying and I've already started taking ovulation tests, and charting my temperature.  I want it to happen RIGHT NOW! I don't want to go through the next couple of years, month by month waiting for a second miracle.  I will, but I don't want to.  I don't want to start back at zero ( not charting, or planning in any way) because in my experience that doesn't work.  So I'm going full out, but this time with a more positive outlook on the future.I spend any free time (I have a toddler, it's not much) thinking about my chart, and what I can do.  When in fact, we've already confirmed ovulation, so now it's nothing but a waiting game.  Which I hate.  I'm super impatient.  I want to know now, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities.  I want to share my small wins with others, but "Hey, guess what! I ovulated!!" makes for awkward conversation (not that it stops me)   When we were trying for Lorelai, I didn't share much with anyone.  At the time I felt that it was a very private matter, but that also made it very lonely.

I know this is just the first cycle, but I feel more positive about this than I ever did trying for Lorelai.  I'm just praying that my optimism doesn't get squished.  So until it's time to take a pregnancy test, I'll just keep pinning stuff to my secret "baby fever" board on pinterest and hope that all my friends and family don't think I'm crazy :)

1st Birthday plans

I can't believe that my little snugglebutt is going to be 1 in a week and a half.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was bringing her home from the hospital? We get to have her party on her actual birthday, which is awesome.  And the theme is rubber ducky, which is even more awesome! I wanted to have an owl themed party, but she had to go and love rubber duckies so much, so my owl theme got knocked out.  I'm kind of excited, and I've went a little overboard with the them but its all coming together nicely

Sad memories

The end of March always brings about sad feelings. It's when my first baby would have been due. For three years, March has felt hollow, and so do I.

All of my feelings on this subject are jumbled. They have been dumped in the lottery wheel of life and there they tumble over each other, waiting for the draw, a finite decision.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to draw out specifically how I feel.

I feel sad. I lost a baby. A child. A piece of myself and my husband. A true testament to our love. No matter how much time passes, this will remain. I like the sadness. It reminds me of love without fear.

I feel silly. Three days. I knew I was pregnant for exactly three days before I began to lose the baby. How can I miss something so much that I barely had in the first place?

I feel guilty. I was able to conceive and carry a child. She is healthy and perfect in every way. Why do I still allow this to haunt me?

I feel thankful. I was convinced, until that line turned pink, that I would never have children of my own. Even though that pregnancy didn't turn out like we'd hoped, it allowed me to have faith. I knew that no matter what, I could conceive without medical intervention.

I feel loose. I never did anything to signify the loss. I want something to remind me. I never want to forget what I went through. Because it has made me the person I am today.

I feel alone. Not only is the hurt incredibly private, it makes others uncomfortable. The isolation makes it hard. even after two and a half years.

I feel embarrassed. I don't mention my other feelings to anyone, not even Brandon,because I don't believe my continued grief is justified. I feel like because I experienced the loss so early in the pregnancy, that I have no right to still be affected by it.

March is hard, but July is always worse. July is when it all happened. I think that's why God brought me a child born in July, because now the good in that month outweighs the bad. The best things happen in July. My anniversary, Lorelai's birth, the very first time I learned that there was a life growing inside of me. And all of these wonderful memories and events help me make it through the hell that was July 24-28.

I don't want to forget. The child which I never held in my arms, and only carried a short time in my body, I will carry the rest of my life, in my soul.