1st Birthday plans

I can't believe that my little snugglebutt is going to be 1 in a week and a half.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was bringing her home from the hospital? We get to have her party on her actual birthday, which is awesome.  And the theme is rubber ducky, which is even more awesome! I wanted to have an owl themed party, but she had to go and love rubber duckies so much, so my owl theme got knocked out.  I'm kind of excited, and I've went a little overboard with the them but its all coming together nicely

Sad memories

The end of March always brings about sad feelings. It's when my first baby would have been due. For three years, March has felt hollow, and so do I.

All of my feelings on this subject are jumbled. They have been dumped in the lottery wheel of life and there they tumble over each other, waiting for the draw, a finite decision.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to draw out specifically how I feel.

I feel sad. I lost a baby. A child. A piece of myself and my husband. A true testament to our love. No matter how much time passes, this will remain. I like the sadness. It reminds me of love without fear.

I feel silly. Three days. I knew I was pregnant for exactly three days before I began to lose the baby. How can I miss something so much that I barely had in the first place?

I feel guilty. I was able to conceive and carry a child. She is healthy and perfect in every way. Why do I still allow this to haunt me?

I feel thankful. I was convinced, until that line turned pink, that I would never have children of my own. Even though that pregnancy didn't turn out like we'd hoped, it allowed me to have faith. I knew that no matter what, I could conceive without medical intervention.

I feel loose. I never did anything to signify the loss. I want something to remind me. I never want to forget what I went through. Because it has made me the person I am today.

I feel alone. Not only is the hurt incredibly private, it makes others uncomfortable. The isolation makes it hard. even after two and a half years.

I feel embarrassed. I don't mention my other feelings to anyone, not even Brandon,because I don't believe my continued grief is justified. I feel like because I experienced the loss so early in the pregnancy, that I have no right to still be affected by it.

March is hard, but July is always worse. July is when it all happened. I think that's why God brought me a child born in July, because now the good in that month outweighs the bad. The best things happen in July. My anniversary, Lorelai's birth, the very first time I learned that there was a life growing inside of me. And all of these wonderful memories and events help me make it through the hell that was July 24-28.

I don't want to forget. The child which I never held in my arms, and only carried a short time in my body, I will carry the rest of my life, in my soul.